By Stan Leffew
Why do men struggle with commitment?
This question about the tendency in men to
find it hard to commit seems to surface
over and over again from women all around the world. If I could identify
in a few simple strokes of the keyboard on a page of
my site the answer to this question, I would be a
hero to women everywhere.
Not to worry, I haven't put on my hero tights and
cape just yet. I would, however, like to share a few
thoughts with you on this.
Here are a few things I have heard stated about men
and commitment over the years.
- Men find the conquest and the chase more desirable
than actually winning the girl
- Men find their identity in their vocation more than
they do in relationships
- Men are on an ego trip and find their validation
from the attention they receive from many women
- Men are looking for a trophy wife
Some of these things may have elements of truth in them,
after all, man is a complicated puzzle, but I would like
to direct your attention to another possible missing
piece of that puzzle.
It has been my observation over the years in my
communications and dealings with men that men struggle
with commitment because they primarily have developed the
wrong focus. Women want men to naturally commit of his
own free will when he has been instructed, influenced
and programmed to do the opposite.
Consider some of the things popularized in our culture
as reading materials for men and you'll see what I mean.
In magazines targeting male readership women are portrayed
as a sport, as a "Bunny" paraded around in bunny costumes
and as "Pets" of the month.
Adding to the fuel and feeding of this mindset are
male-focused establishments named after the body parts of
a woman and so-called Gentlemen's Clubs. Don't even get me
started on shock jocks, the porn industry, the sensual music
videos objectifying women and the smut circulating all over
Men have developed a tendency to...
- make relationships more about turning on than tuning in
- chase after the nighttime more than the lifetime
- make relationships more about passion than promise
- seek relations more than relationship
- make the URGE more important a focus than the MERGE
This tendency in man to chase after the physical is the
reason women are the ones who often lose when the
relationship is founded on more of a sexual directive. The
man gets what he is really more comfortable with and
programmed to seek and the woman is left to long for deeper
intimacy and commitment.
I think men need to be deprogrammed from this shallow
mindset and reprogrammed to think differently. The greatest
men I know are men of character and commitment. The greatest
men I know have a pursuit for something more permanent. The
greatest men I know are men of promise. The greatest men I
know find value and fulfillment in seeking the lifetime
more than they do the nighttime.
The problem usually arises when women take a man whose
focus is more about the nighttime and expect him to naturally
pursue the lifetime.
I just had to experience saying my goodbyes to my father. He
was 75-years old and passed away in early October. As I
looked at the casket containing his body and my mom who stood
by his side for 55-years of marriage, I was again reminded of
all this. Pictures of his children and his children's children
decorated the satin cloth where he rested.
I am so thankful that my parents modeled for me that a
successful relationship is more about LEG-A-CY than about
how much LEG-I-SEE.
One of the saddest things that will ever be said about a man
is that he didn't ever really know what commitMEANT.